However here I expose my feelings and ideas in better order than in the video.
So I haven't write recently, since last year...and I now I said I will try to write at lest once a week and haven't done so...
These last weeks haven't been so good as something really bad happen n the family. My sister lost her baby and well you can guess the feeling that is around the family. All those dreams and expectations are now replaced by sorrow.
Also my sister's health it has been in risk and being spending quite sometime at the hospital or going to doctors, etc... And I must say one thing, that the medical system here sucks! Believe me in my country is better, a lot of things that were easy to avoid because of the lack of profesionalism of the "doctors" it happened.
So because of it, of course my sister is the most affected person, however my mother is devastated as well.
So I have to be strong for both, as either of both take care of themselves in the conditions that they are.
In these weeks I haven't cried in front of them, even when they cry, I do not. I haven't sowed them nothing of sadness from my part, because I have to be the ones that needs to give them energy and in somehow cheer them up.
However I ended up crying at work.... not the proper place, however the people I work with were the sweetest and most comprehensive people ever and I realised I have a small family there too.
However this is not my realisation, my wake up call was another and it was in my inside, in my heart, which is an important place for things to happen if you want to make a change.
So from a very long time I used to cut myself, maybe I started since I was 13 years old and last November was the last time I did, I never shared much actually, and people who knew thought I stopped. I have been always careful about it, never showed and always hiding. For a long time I thought, that there was nothing wrong about it, anyways it was my body... My cuts didn't meant I want to die but just that I deserved the suffering, just that. The world is a cruel place and we cry and etc...I guess you can get the idea of what I mean.
Because all the stress, sadness I have been living in these last weeks, I felt the urge to do it, to cut myself...I needed it, however I stopped and then is when I realised... wouldn't this make my family even more sad? Wasn't it unfair on them? It didn't matter how sad I was, my sister is the one that is suffering the most, I had no excuse! ... even if I hide it well, it was not fair... what good was a few cuts to make me feel better? I was not going to feel better. When you cut yourself you may feel a bit of relief for a second then it comes the guilt or shame, because we have to hide the cut and you bring yourself another bad or sad feeling and there we go again. And also what ever problem you had it did not go away because you cut yourself and it won't, you are just adding more.
I have been hurting myself for more than 10 years and finally I realise the stupidity that I was doing and the coward I have been all this time.
So I feel that finally I can stop. Why to bring more pain or more negativity that there is already. If we cut because someone is treating as bad because people are just too mean, aren't we giving them more power to hurt us? Harming ourselves is not going to make this people stop and feel bad about their actions, they will continue and will make even more cruel and we just keep hurting ourselves even more, we are giving them even more power to hurt us. IS this fair? Does this make sense?
Do you think that only us have the right to hurt ourselves? Why? Isn't the outside world cruel enough? Why we have to make us suffer even more?
Also let's think about those people who we love. We are hurting them too, they are sad every time they see the scars. A mother you raised you with all her efforts, suffering and sacrifice, ofcourse she will be sad to see the you her child is hurting yourself, because she wants the best for you, your happiness, your well being and self harm is not being good.
By cutting people also will walk away from you, some may try to help you but if you don't change they will eventually go away. Living life is not easy, why are making it even harder?
So these ideas came and others as well. Why it took me so long? I don't know...
Unfortunately sometimes to be able to change something really bad has to happen, is not fair but humans are very stupid beings indeed and we learn in the hard way.
It is hard to write from outside or in this way, because I know the feeling, why we do it... but I am sure we can stand up and walk, run and even fly...That is what I want for myself and for everyone who is in my place too.
I have shared today my reason why I realised that I can stop and why I feel now it is worthless to cut my skin.
If you wish I will share with more of my story. Life is full of shit and I have lived some really screwed up shit and survived. And I want to get to the point of looking my scars and feel good that I was able to stop and continue life, looking life from maybe another perspective.
I want to also to help whoever is going through a hard moment and is harming themselves, I know it may be now the way to scape or feel relief but believe me is not, you are hurting yourself even more.
This is it for today, if you want me to share more, please let me know... I think I will do it slowly as this is been very personal issue for me.
Here is my video too
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