Realization

So today I write about a wake up call I had. And today's post I will complement it with a video a well.
However here I expose my feelings and ideas in better order than in the video.
So I haven't write recently, since last year...and I now I said I will try to write at lest once a week and haven't done so...
These last weeks haven't been so good as something really bad happen n the family. My sister lost her baby and well you can guess the feeling that is around the family. All those dreams and expectations are now replaced by sorrow.

Also my sister's health it has been in risk and being spending quite sometime at the hospital or going to doctors, etc... And I must say one thing, that the medical system here sucks! Believe me in my country is better, a lot of things that were easy to avoid because of the lack of profesionalism of the "doctors" it happened.
So because of it, of course my sister is the most affected person, however my mother is devastated as well.
So I have to be strong for both, as either of both take care of themselves in the conditions that they are.
In these weeks I haven't cried in front of them, even when they cry, I do not. I haven't sowed them nothing of sadness from my part, because I have to be the ones that needs to give them energy and in somehow cheer them up.

However I ended up crying at work.... not the proper place, however the people I work with were the sweetest and most comprehensive people ever and I realised I have a small family there too.
However this is not my realisation, my wake up call was another and it was in my inside, in my heart, which is an important place for things to happen if you want to make a change.


So from a very long time I used to cut myself, maybe I started since I was 13 years old and last November was the last time I did, I never shared much actually, and people who knew thought I stopped. I have been always careful about it, never showed and always hiding. For a long time I thought, that there was nothing wrong about it, anyways it was my body... My cuts didn't meant I want to die but just that I deserved the suffering, just that. The world is a cruel place and we cry and etc...I guess you can get the idea of what I mean.

Because all the stress, sadness I have been living in these last weeks, I felt the urge to do it, to cut myself...I needed it, however I stopped and then is when I realised... wouldn't this make my family even more sad? Wasn't it unfair on them? It didn't matter how sad I was, my sister is the one that is suffering the most, I had no excuse! ... even if I hide it well, it was not fair... what good was a few cuts to make me feel better? I was not going to feel better. When you cut yourself you may feel a bit of relief for a second then it comes the guilt or shame, because we have to hide the cut and you bring yourself another bad or sad feeling and there we go again. And also what ever problem you had it did not go away because you cut yourself and it won't, you are just adding more.
I have been hurting myself for more than 10 years and finally I realise the stupidity that I was doing and the coward I have been all this time.
So I feel that finally I can stop. Why to bring more pain or more negativity that there is already. If we cut because someone is treating as bad because people are just too mean, aren't we giving them more power to hurt us? Harming ourselves is not going to make this people stop and feel bad about their actions, they will continue and will make even more cruel and we just keep hurting ourselves even more, we are giving them even more power to hurt us. IS this fair? Does this make sense?
Do you think that only us have the right to hurt ourselves? Why? Isn't the outside world cruel enough? Why we have to make us suffer even more?
Also let's think about those people who we love. We are hurting them too, they are sad every time they see the scars. A mother you raised you with all her efforts, suffering and sacrifice, ofcourse she will be sad to see the you her child is hurting yourself, because she wants the best for you, your happiness, your well being and self harm is not being good.
By cutting people also will walk away from you, some may try to help you but if you don't change they will eventually go away. Living life is not easy, why are making it even harder?
So these ideas came and others as well. Why it took me so long? I don't know...
Unfortunately sometimes to be able to change something really bad has to happen, is not fair but humans are very stupid beings indeed and we learn in the hard way.

It is hard to write from outside or in this way, because I know the feeling, why we do it... but I am sure we can stand up and walk, run and even fly...That is what I want for myself and for everyone who is in my place too.
I have shared today my reason why I  realised that I can stop and why I feel now it is worthless to cut my skin.
If you wish I will share with more of my story. Life is full of shit and I have lived some really screwed up shit and survived. And I want to get to the point of looking my scars and feel good that I was able to stop and continue life, looking life from maybe another perspective.
I want to also to help whoever is going through a hard moment and is harming themselves, I know it may be now the way to scape or feel relief but believe me is not, you are hurting yourself even more.
This is it for today, if you want me to share more, please let me know... I think I will do it slowly as this is been very personal issue for me.
Here is my video too

Wild World

Once again I am writing lines in this blog of mine.
 This time my words will be quite personal, you can take them as you wish, I don't wish to be an attention seeker but I am hoping someone who feels the same can relate with my words, I don't think I am no one to support any one or help, I think we all can help each other.
I want your opinions on this matter.

 

My topic is about self harm, self mutilation... it is something that always it has been in my mind. Why? Because I have been doing it since I was 14 years old...until the present time? maybe...

Why do I do it? I it hard to give only one reason... it is complex...I guess we all have our ways to face reality, life hurts too much...

My high school time was hard, everything is even more complicated at that age, things are always hard and it won't stop. Sometimes you think, what is wrong with it? After all it is your own body, right?...

But things are always more complex and hard... and we all have our own way of coping, maybe harming ourselves is not the best but if we think about it we all do just in different levels.

Some people get stuck in a place because they think they cannot aim for better, also people who let other to verbally or physically abuse of them, that is a way of self-aggression as well.

So it is indeed in human nature, we were taught that we are not good enough, society is bombing you directly, you might not notice but it is like that. Only clever people, only beautiful people, we do not value ourselves as we are. We have to follow an standard and if we don't then we are not good and that is why we don't succeed in life, how sick are we?

 

In my case the self-harm is because, well I know I don't follow an standard and I won't.

I go against society and I want to be valued by who I am, I do have people who likes me as I am, of course they don't know about this, they don't have to.

I haven't been doing it for a while, there are times I feel the urgency to do it and so far I have stand strong and haven't harm. But this thought always bugs me.

Years ago, this was an addiction for me, I couldn't be without harming myself, everyday, and various time during the day.

I think we all have our traumas, our reason to think our lives are miserable, but one thing I must say, we cannot have self-pity, that is not how it works.

We must try, we have to stand up walk and run, sometimes we can fly, others we cannot but we always have to try.

We have to laugh, joke, cry and scream for happiness and sadness, we have to be ourselves no matter what, we can curse who ever and what ever we want to.

I also can say don't hate yourself, but I don't have much right to say that as in my case I still do, but because I do, I know how miserable we can be and well there are many things that happen outside that is not our fault and because we hate ourselves so much we take responsibility for it.

As everyone I could say to you, learn to love yourself, however I know it is really hard indeed and maybe I could dare to say, impossible.

 Once again I think we all hate ourselves and again that hate it is in different levels.

But I tell you, learn to like yourself at least a little.

I know you can tell all your mistakes, all your imperfections but what about the good things you have? your talents? you abilities? your beauty? can you recognise it? and actually believe in it?

I think that is our lesson.

 

I think people who harm them selves can be more honest or sensitive. The pain it is so hard that it is the only way to cope. If cutting yourself could be normal, then all of us will be doing it now.

What I don't like is that other people mock at them and consider this "weird" instead of trying to understand.

Instead of not accepting this and critics about it, what don't you go to the core of the problem. The problem is not the people who hurt themselves, the problem is the outside environment, the message that we are giving. What can they see this? Or could be they just don't want to.

Instead they mock and do everything to cover the problem.

 

 

In my period of high school styles as a gothic, dark, punk and emo were in their pick. You will would see them in every school, in the streets, everyone gathered together within their own urban tribe, it was quite a phenomenon. But at least everyone felt they could belong somewhere and that there were others feeling the same as well.

Punk, emo, dark bands sang songs that could make everyone feel identify, all lyrics had a profound meaning of life and how it felt to live it.

And then they disappeared and songs with no sense  appeared and kicked out to these urban tribes... and once again the people who dress in black were kicked aside and everyone forgot about them and once again considered them "weird"

I miss those times, I felt and I knew I was not the only one feeling as I was, right now once again I feel, gosh who I am the only one? even though I know...

My point in this post. Like I said this is really personal words I am writing.

I want to tell others, well you are not the only one, you are never the only one. It is ok to feel this way, it happens, life is hard, cruel and unfair. But we must not drown we must learn to live.

I am not going to tell you live happy and always laugh, it is impossible but you must try not to live in sadness always. In darkness there is beauty as well and in brightness there is ugliness, nothing is black and white, there is grey as well.

We have to learn living as we are, do not pretend, do not hide. If others cannot accept you the fuck them, they are not worth it.

I think this topic has for a lot but right now I will finish here. Maybe soon I will write again more.

If you want to share your opinions please do so.

After all this is just my opinion and I would love to read yours.