A simple lesson

People say that when we lost something or someone is  when we realize the real value of it.In my personal experience I have never experience such a lost, my beloved friends have lost their father and I have seen how the grief it is.But I have had suffered a lost recently that is still hard to assume. I don’t think I ever didn’t appreciate him; he was and is one of the people I admire and love the most.

Was the day of my birthday when I turned on my computer s usual and read Facebook, comments like; “tell me is a lie that he is death” and I only though “if you’re going to make a joke do a better one, don’t say such a horrid thing” then opening my email and reading messages like “I am sorry, that he is dead” and similar words, left me in a state of shock. He was dead, how could that be even real? He a person who was lively, always with a smile and he was gone. I didn’t cry on that moment, I just couldn’t believe it.

Is amazing how you assume someone will be there forever there, that has to live with you until you die, we never want to even think that someone important will leave us, even if it is for a trip. We never want to think about death, such a cruel word and fact but is there always and sometimes when we forget about it, it comes to remind us “here I am, don’t ever forget an appreciate your life”

It took me several hours to be able to cry and I did it just for a few minutes, just tears falling through my face and me trying to wipe them with desperation. That night I though “tomorrow I will wake up, and everything was a nightmare, tomorrow he will be there” Trying to lie myself about because I was not able to face reality, even now is almost impossible to face it. Makes me wonder why are we like this? But I guess human nature is coward n when facing something as hard as death is not simple.

Days passed by and I was unable to watch his photographs or any video I had of him on my computer, I didn’t want to cry, not because I didn’t love him just because I thought I had no right to do it, I was no close friend, not a coworker, not family member, so why did I want to cry I was only someone who admired him and loved him in a way that cannot expressed, just a regular someone with who he shared but never knew how important he was for me. But he wasn’t important just for me, he touched so many lives that made me wonder, how many lives have I touch? I am not someone like him at all… then maybe if I go too, no one will miss me…Stupid thought or feeling, I never thought someone’s death will make me question my own life. Now that I think maybe he was upset for my way of thinking. When I met him, he showed me beauty, beauty in life and made think “actually the world is not so ugly, it is worthy to keep living”, yes I wanted to leave this world because the only thing I could see was cruelty but he showed me a completely different perspective that never thought existed.Now I am thankful to have discovered those beauties with him and able to remember them so vividly, because now that’s where I get my strength and inspiration.

Finally a rainy day I was able to cry, I sang his favorite song in the middle of the park, no one was there because of the rain, so was perfect for that moment just me and the nature, my singing voice being heard by the trees and the sky crying just as I was doing. I screamed his name, like I never thought I was going to do, the pain was even deeper of what I thought, my feelings were even deeper of what I thought. Now I realize it was good to cry and let those feelings out, to find something new about myself. Again insecurity invaded me and I thought to follow him wherever he was but I did not, probably he was going to get upset with me. Then I opened my eyes, and actually I wasn’t the only suffering for him, out there was his closest friends, people I admire as well, why was I crying, when they were probably crying even more? I had to be strong and try to give my support after all that is what humans do, in the most difficult times we have to support each other and stop thinking about our own suffering. In that moment I thought he was so selfish on leaving us behind, it felt like he took with him the souls of his friends who now were out of life.Now it has been 7 months since his death and still is impossible to believe as that day, we taking his dead in the best way we can, slowly some of us are starting to move on and other are not able and preferred to get away, avoiding the reality. His death has given me a wakeup call, where I had to analyze myself all over again and learn to appreciate myself and the thing,people around me.I know that he is still with us, somewhere where he can be surrounded my cherry trees in bloom as he loved so much taking care of us and smiling or crying with us. Now I am able to watch his photos and remember him with no fear. The meaning of all these words is to learn more about you, appreciate you and others, better to do it now, take the time stop and see the value of your life.

 Now I treasure his smile more than ever and it is the one that makes me smile as well.
I miss you...