Just Words

It's been while since I don't write here, a month I think. There's so much to write about that I would like to write but at the same time so much I don't want to say that is part of what I want to write about.
Life has been quite crazy in fact, things that were planned didn't work out as planned or took a different course.
I am back in New Plymouth, it's funny how hard it has been to get out of New Plymouth.
I went to Nelson with the hope of something better, as I left with something organized but things didn't work out as I thought, unfortunately things weren't successful.
After I left that place which actually wasn't in Nelson City ( in the mile of no where) I spent a week in Nelson City, which is actually really beautiful city ( I still prefer Wellington) I knew a lot of places, I stayed in 3 different backpackers in which I preferred the last one, I was in, quite small and really comfortable.
I tried to look for jobs there but were unsuccessfully. At the end I was exhausted, I was in a position where I had no clue what was going to be of me, with money I was with just enough or less than that, so I ended up not getting enough food, so I ended up with dark circle under my eyes (thank for for make up), I walked a lot, took lot of pictures of the places I went. I decided to take that time more as a holiday.
My mother told of the option of going to Christchurch from Nelson, but I was already too tired, and money was not on my side, so I decided to comeback. I was also carrying a heavy suitcase which was set for 2 months so carrying around that thing was really tiring, I ended up developing some muscles (that I used to have) in my arms (so now they are not so floppy) Now if I remember those days is funny in way. Staying in the backpackers sharing a room with 9, 5 or 3 more people was sort of fun, specially in the last backpackers, I shared room with 3 more people, it was a mixed room for my surprise so there were guys as well,so sometimes was quite embarrassing, there were really handsome guys so I was really shy about it.
XD
 

Now again things are different, and I don not know anymore, where to go, what to do, what to expect… lost? Probably but in a desperate state but is different and I cannot explain right now.. is confusing and again it feels like a bad dream and I just want to wake up with relief and know that I am safe, but I cannot wake up and maybe the bad dream it is a reality.

What are my plans? I don not know and if I have something I better not tell because I cannot trust that will stay the same because it may change abruptly and take me somewhere else…so when I know where I am what I am doing I will say what I am doing but right now I don’t dare to have plans.

Sometimes I think gods hates me… others I don’t thinks so and most of the time they confuse me, it seems like they bless me and hate me at the same time. Funny isn’t it?

If you ever knew me, please forget about me, one day I will return with a true smile, and not with the smile I fake everyday so I can look strong when inside I am so into tears. Right now I hate my tears, once they start it is hard to stop them, sometimes I hate myself so much an most of the time I hate the world and god. So right now don’t asks me to believe in something. I will start believing once I can give an step firmly and know where I am going and when I can start protecting the ones I love, because right now I can only hurt them. Why if I love them so much I have to hurt them?

  But I better stop, of not I will keep writing this nonsense.

Now again things are different, and I don not know anymore, where to go, what to do, what to expect… lost? Probably but in a desperate state but is different and I cannot explain right now.. is confusing and again it feels like a bad dream and I just want to wake up with relief and know that I am safe, but I cannot wake up and maybe the bad dream it is a reality.

What are my plans? I don not know and if I have something I better not tell because I can not trust that will stay the same because it may change abruptly and take me somewhere else…so when I know where I am what I am doing I will say what I am doing but right now I don’t dare to have plans.

Sometimes I think gods hates me… others I don’t thinks so and most of the time they confuse me, it seems like they bless me and hate me at the same time. Funny isn’t it?

If you ever knew me, please forget about me, one day I will return with a true smile, and not with the smile I fake everyday so I can look strong when inside I am so into tears. Right now I hate my tears, once they start it is hard to stop them, sometimes I hate myself so much an most of the time I hate the world and god. So right now don’t asks me to believe in something. I will start believing once I can give an step firmly and know where I am going and when I can start protecting the ones I love, because right now I can only hurt them. Why if I love them so much I have to hurt them?