This song has had a great impact on me. I really never expected to listen a song with such a meanful song, specially in a jpop group.(no offense) But anyway, really like what it says...and goes very well fro the drama of which is soundtrack (Yamato Nadeshiko).Well that's how I ended up listening this song by watching the drama...but anyway that's not wht I wanted to write...
In my mind words come easily and it is har to stop them... t the moment of speaking or even writing, it gets harder...
I'm getting worried now because my confusion is affecting my concentration and my habilty of focusing on studies and that's not right. It is happenning like it happened on high school. Even when studies have become a hideaway there are times when that hide away doesn't work.
So I giving myself time just to the end of this week, I cannot keep myself on this condition.
I'm sorry Isshi, probably if he's watching how stupid I'm being right now, he will be dessapointed...
Today while walking the idea of death tormented me... what would happen if I die? Would someone cry for me? Probably the only ones who would, will be my family... apart from the whose lifes have I touched?...noone else will miss me...
When Isshi died not only his family cried so many people were affected by his death an are affected and miss him...including myself...He was able to touch so many people's lives and hearts.
Could I ever be like that?...He used to call himself the demon who tormented princesses...but he was never nothing like a demon, he was full of kindness and beauty...
Me...I used to be called when little the devil's child, in school I was the black sheep and the bad apple or any biblic term that goes to call someone who goes aginst god... honestly screw god...sometiems I feel like that but also respect him and believe in him, isn't ironic? To be honest I never wanted to be called like tht but I guess that I just got used to those words... even now when joking with my family I say "see, I can be good sometimes" or "I'm not so bad, see?" .... I still remember one day I told my mother that I was an fallen angel, a dark angel and she so worried told me to never say those words about myself becaus for her I'm her angel... To be honest for me, my mother is my angel and I, I'm just a demon who has been protected by an angel and wnts to protect an angel...when have you seen a demon trying to protect an angel? Goes against any rational idea, but that's what I'm trying to do ... MAkes me remember "devils dance while angels cry" I don't know why... While thinking this, unconsciously I walked on the street with red light, suddenly I realised and quickly went back...I got scared, I actually don't want to die but why sometimes it feels so easy? But defenetly is a feeling I must take way from my head... I'm not afraid of death, if I die is ok for me, I think would be better but I know it woul make my family cry and I don't want to make them cry...So I rather live in the calvary of what is life and keep smiling.
Life is not so bad...there're good things is just that sometimes gets so hard that I just don't know if I can go with it. But there're people who suffer more or have suffered more than me and they have the strenght and the smile to keep living. I envy them and admired them as well.
It's been a long time since I don't have these thoughts or feelings. Marious alwys used to be there for me for these moments and stayed there when I cried non stop but now he's not.He told me that it's time already to be strong and deal with this moments by myself because I always had his help, he helped me in way to not to think even when he always tried to make me think about it an I just didn't want.
To Marious I always was an spoiled child and he spoiled me too he couldn't stop doing it. I always felt him in somehow like the father I didn't hve but I always knew he would left me, like he did now.After at the end everyone leaves you...if is not death is just the pass of time. I have had abandoned people, friends but just becuse I have been coward ... I guess sometimes is ok to be a cowrd but everything has its limits and now is time to be brave.
Other used to call me a "doll" at the beginning a precious doll that had been kept behind the glass and by circunstances the glass was broken and someone decided to drop the doll and brake it on purpose. That's what Armand used to say... that sometimes we fin something so beautiful or precious that is being protected but annoys so much that you have to destry it as soon s you have chance. He said tht that was my case. I was so annoying to some that they had to brake. An so I feel broken inside and filthy but even when I'm like this I'm trying my best the take away that filth from me.
I'm inside a circle I haven't been able to stop...feeling unsafe and not letting anyone save me but t the same time wanting to be saved but not letting anyone able to do it.
But then again...my dilema...who I am really? I have this idea of my person. Someone selfsih, horrid,cold,inmature,boring,bad,evil but I know that I want to protect who I love no matter what...I could kill just to protect from ny harm who I love and I could give my life for them.I know my loyalty to them...
And then people tell me you're such a sweet girl, you're so mature, intelligent, beautiful and interesting person.
Akiya once told me I am like little angel... I liked to know that, after I've been in love with him for 3 years already, even when I will never be able to reach him and it's time for me to give up as well. Which also makes me think would someone ever love me? Will love this mess?...Argh! and then again comes my dilema...because then I said I don't need it! but we all need it after all. We're humans...and that's what I hate about being a human, the feelings our vulnabirility...humans are so pathetic after all.But at the same time interesting creatures...what a contradiction...
Lonliness is something tht I'm always after at this moments and usually will look for lonliness and darkness.But also are the worst enemy, in lonliness we feel worse...even when sorrounded by people the abism is even worse...but I know I couldn't live by myself right now, I would end up doing something stupid...sometimes I think for Isshi living all by himself, wasn't good, even when he had all his dogs, was still not enough...we need someone who can estroy that wall the we create before we destroy ourselves. I wish someone existed by that moment before he left this world...
I know that after his dead I shoul think about how to make him proud of me an give him peace...I'm sorry.Since he left I been so confused and let the open door for the past ghosts to torment me again.I shoul now go and close it and throw the key on a river when noone can find it.
Would that be like forgetting? In somehow I wish to forget everything, my past every painful and sordid detail about it.But if I do, wouln't be like running away. I kow sometimes we need to run away to have strenght to face it. But also if you don't have hard times you don't learn and mature...but have I matured for real? I don't know but I really wish that I could be able to forget it so it doesnt torment me anymore...
It is said that you control your future, what will happen...you control if you going to be a goo person and cheerful or just a selfish barstard...it's true that sometimes or most of the time there are things we cannot control and happen...I don't know where all of this comes,, but that how the words come to my mind tormenting me to give them sense...to have answer and giving me more questions... but I can't give them...not when it comes on this way and that when quickly I try to give them my back and put all my attention onto something else, until the shadows come again and grab me from behin to pull me to that dark room and ask and remind me wht happened and what was said. I think it's time to put some light in that room... when? good question...answer, there's none right now... I thought I had progressed quite lot but when I see this I actually have a long road, don't I?...
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