a feeling of giving up...
But of course I cannot ... what a coward if I ever do something like that...
I also felt his absence...the fact that he's not longer here makes me feel an emptiness
I wonder sometimes if he knows how much I miss him...
There are so many things, achievements and remorse mixed together that is hard to see the whole picture
But I know I shouldn't be tormented by ghosts...
Today I have cried,I have talked with kind people.People I thought I wouldn't find.
And makes me feel faith about human kind, which I thought already gave up about.
Sometimes I realised how similar my thoughts and Isshi's thoughts were.They are almost the same...
Maybe that's why I admire him so much and love him in a indescribable way...Maybe I saw part of myself reflected on him...
How much can change the reality after someones death? As I see changes in 360 degrees.It is almost scary to see how much someone can impact your life.
When I read about Isshi's death I just laughed because I just couldn't believe it, I though it was just a bad joke.But when they tell me that is actually true and not a joke I was able to feel like everything was breaking.
"desmoronar" is the word in Spanish.The tears didn't come out at the moment I just wanted someone to tell me that was a lie, a nightmare and when I wake up everything was unreal but it was real and horrible.
Hours later I was able to react, and cried in my room, so my mother or my sister could not notice.I have been holding my tears until now.I just have cried 3 times about him and I still feel like crying...But at the same time I don not want to,because I know that will make him sad and he left us som many beautiful things and I know he would like that we remember him with a smile...And that's what I try...
Now I been worried about the others...at the beginning was Akiya-san but now I am more relaxed about him but lately it's been tormenting me a painful feeling about Nao-san....I don not know...Maybe I'm thinking too much...
Now I have decided to follow my project and to make Isshi proud of me in some how...
The second day after I knew he died I drew sketches about him,my wall is full of sketches.I haven't finished them because I always say "i have no time" ·i'm too busy" "I'm too tired" but actually is just that I'm afraid.When I did those sketches I was able to feel his presence and I didn't feel like he was dead at all,it was nice feeling but on the next day I knew he was gone...I'm scared of that feeling again...But now I will finish them.
Also...when I read his Sacra stories makes me feel so inspired. That I created my short stories as well.I'm not too original so I call them Shiki Stories ...So I will finish them and maybe do sketches about it.
And most important I will paint a big painting about all the colours that he gave me, all those feelings that he gave me when I hear his voice and saw his magic presence...I will express all the magic that he had...Maybe the name of that painting will be Shiki as well ^^ or maybe Kagura...mmm....Maybe a painting for him will be just Shiki and my next painting about him and the others will be Kagura... I will definitely do this and show it to him...
Right now I also have me little project "Utakata" .... I'm still unsure but maybe I should... That project is based on sketches and photographs...I already talked with the manager of the gallery I can expose my project now I just need money to print those photos and present my sketches in a nice way...
money money money...so troublesome...
But thinking about my projects makes me happy...
And of course still haven't forgot about my first project "Cornellious"
Now I feel more inspired to follow my dream of becoming a writer.... I know that if Isshi would be still alive he would end up becoming a great writer...we all know that...not only for Sacra stories which are beautiful also for everything he wrote, he was a poet a real artist...everything on him was beautiful, his art was expressed in a beautiful way...was just stunning. Now I will follow that path too and will do everything to reach it, it will take long, well what doesn't, right?...But I will. And when one of my work become recognised I will tell the world about Isshi-san. How wonderful he was and the beauty of his.
He saved me from my pain, he didn't know but he did...also the rest ... but he, his voice his way of talking, he showed me the colours of life, the beauty of life...after that I decided not to give up anymore, to fight...And even now when sometimes I feel like following him, which I won't because that wouldn't be too clever...he will be still alive in my...in everything I do...I will feel supported by his spirit...he will be there
I always wanted to write him in Japanese telling him how grateful I'm...but I didn't have the chance.But I will still practice my Japanese until I'm able to write
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